I was reading a brief New York Times article on Chelsea Clinton, which made me wonder, why aren’t we together? In between kicking widgets, I compiled a list of reasons why the former first daughter is really looking for a boor like me:
We are both vegetarian. Well, I used to be. For about four months. But what is time for people like us, who love animals?
We were both National Merit Scholarship finalists. I don’t think anything more needs to be said. We’re obviously of the same class, so she wouldn’t be “marrying down”.
She played varsity soccer in high school. I played soccer too, when I was little, but more importantly I have dated soccer players. I understand their special wants and needs, and when she needs someone to scratch that secret place between her toes, I may be there.
We both were in Model United Nations. Not the same conferences, of course, and technically not even on the same continent, but that’s just splitting hairs.
We both have salaries in the six figures. This is a complete lie.
There you have it, a comprehensive list of why the most underrated hottie in politics is secretly interested in a computer programmer. Well, really, who isn’t into computer programmers? We are generally exciting people, assuming that your interest in excitement is labeled ‘i’, not to be confused with the imaginary unit (√-1), and on a two-dimensional scale the actual excitement (note: not perceived excitement, which would only represent the sample itself, think p-hat) is referred to as ‘e’ (again, not Euler’s number, but rather a quantifiable amount of general arousal and adrenal activity)…
Well, I could give you the formula, but you’re not in my social class. Chelsea would understand.
