I turn on satellite radio tonight, which is preset to the NFL station. So, I know I'm going to hear about football. It's pretty much a guarantee.
Why, then, when I hear the phrase "…he used to play for the Oilers back in the day…", do I first think of the number 2.71828…?
All I'm saying is that they shouldn't have named a football team after an 18th century Swedish mathematician. It's confusing.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
There Are No Athiests In Foxholes
Willie has inflammation in his left knee!
Please, dear Lord, fix it.
(People say, oh, it's just the Hall of Fame game, it doesn't matter. I say, oh, it's only your face, no one will miss it. Jackass.)
Please, dear Lord, fix it.
(People say, oh, it's just the Hall of Fame game, it doesn't matter. I say, oh, it's only your face, no one will miss it. Jackass.)
Monday, July 30, 2007
Chelsea, Call Me
I was reading a brief New York Times article on Chelsea Clinton, which made me wonder, why aren’t we together? In between kicking widgets, I compiled a list of reasons why the former first daughter is really looking for a boor like me:
We are both vegetarian. Well, I used to be. For about four months. But what is time for people like us, who love animals?
We were both National Merit Scholarship finalists. I don’t think anything more needs to be said. We’re obviously of the same class, so she wouldn’t be “marrying down”.
She played varsity soccer in high school. I played soccer too, when I was little, but more importantly I have dated soccer players. I understand their special wants and needs, and when she needs someone to scratch that secret place between her toes, I may be there.
We both were in Model United Nations. Not the same conferences, of course, and technically not even on the same continent, but that’s just splitting hairs.
We both have salaries in the six figures. This is a complete lie.
There you have it, a comprehensive list of why the most underrated hottie in politics is secretly interested in a computer programmer. Well, really, who isn’t into computer programmers? We are generally exciting people, assuming that your interest in excitement is labeled ‘i’, not to be confused with the imaginary unit (√-1), and on a two-dimensional scale the actual excitement (note: not perceived excitement, which would only represent the sample itself, think p-hat) is referred to as ‘e’ (again, not Euler’s number, but rather a quantifiable amount of general arousal and adrenal activity)…
Well, I could give you the formula, but you’re not in my social class. Chelsea would understand.
We are both vegetarian. Well, I used to be. For about four months. But what is time for people like us, who love animals?
We were both National Merit Scholarship finalists. I don’t think anything more needs to be said. We’re obviously of the same class, so she wouldn’t be “marrying down”.
She played varsity soccer in high school. I played soccer too, when I was little, but more importantly I have dated soccer players. I understand their special wants and needs, and when she needs someone to scratch that secret place between her toes, I may be there.
We both were in Model United Nations. Not the same conferences, of course, and technically not even on the same continent, but that’s just splitting hairs.
We both have salaries in the six figures. This is a complete lie.
There you have it, a comprehensive list of why the most underrated hottie in politics is secretly interested in a computer programmer. Well, really, who isn’t into computer programmers? We are generally exciting people, assuming that your interest in excitement is labeled ‘i’, not to be confused with the imaginary unit (√-1), and on a two-dimensional scale the actual excitement (note: not perceived excitement, which would only represent the sample itself, think p-hat) is referred to as ‘e’ (again, not Euler’s number, but rather a quantifiable amount of general arousal and adrenal activity)…
Well, I could give you the formula, but you’re not in my social class. Chelsea would understand.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Paper Towel Machines
(I wrote this a month ago, but it's still relevant. Many thoughts, but precious little time between work and, you know, other activities.)
I was recently relocated to a different, maximum-security office. No joke, they have thumbprint scanners and scary guys in red vests that come into my little room every day at 7pm.
Then again, they seem to be oddly interested in our trash. I’m suspicious of anything color-coordinated. As I was saying…
There are these paper towel machines in the bathroom that probably fit some sort of definition of 'irreducible complexity', if you're an Intelligent Design person. They are completely nonsensical. To pull the paper towel out without mangling it, you need to grasp both sides and tug evenly. This is compounded by two factors:
1.) The machines are situated perpendicular to you. Thus, you have to reach out and around, just to get both paws on the precious recycled paper. If you, I don't know, recently had arm surgery, this isn't a simple task.
2.) The paper is weak and pathetic. Since you usually use paper towels to dry your hands after washing them, the paper gets wet (what a surprise!) and then disentegrates.
These things conspire against me to make my bathroom trips far longer than necessary. I could be mistaken — is it more difficult to design architectural plans for an office building, or build a damn paper towel dispenser that works?
I was recently relocated to a different, maximum-security office. No joke, they have thumbprint scanners and scary guys in red vests that come into my little room every day at 7pm.
Then again, they seem to be oddly interested in our trash. I’m suspicious of anything color-coordinated. As I was saying…
There are these paper towel machines in the bathroom that probably fit some sort of definition of 'irreducible complexity', if you're an Intelligent Design person. They are completely nonsensical. To pull the paper towel out without mangling it, you need to grasp both sides and tug evenly. This is compounded by two factors:
1.) The machines are situated perpendicular to you. Thus, you have to reach out and around, just to get both paws on the precious recycled paper. If you, I don't know, recently had arm surgery, this isn't a simple task.
2.) The paper is weak and pathetic. Since you usually use paper towels to dry your hands after washing them, the paper gets wet (what a surprise!) and then disentegrates.
These things conspire against me to make my bathroom trips far longer than necessary. I could be mistaken — is it more difficult to design architectural plans for an office building, or build a damn paper towel dispenser that works?
Friday, June 8, 2007
A Story:
You're driving your boss's car, with your girlfriend next to you. It's a pretty sweet ride, so things are going well.
The stoplight you're at turns green, so you start accelerating, but suddenly screech to a halt; the car in front of you stalled. Good instincts! Except that the drunk idiot behind you in the pickup tapped your rear bumper. Now, let's imagine your boss is very scary. I recognize this isn't always the case, but bear with me; they can fire you, after all. So you get out to inspect the damage.
What luck! Some cops are driving by right after this happens. They direct you to a nearby parking lot to check out the bumper, while they arrest the drunk idiot. Then, in the parking lot, they get your statement by the car with the flashing lights. Woah! Some totally different guy comes out of nowhere and steals your car! The cops give chase, but lose him. They apologize, say they'll keep an eye out, and drive you and the girlfriend to a hotel.
Sigh… That is pretty crazy. Of course, a good story needs a twist, so here it is — every person mentioned, except your girlfriend and you, was a federal law enforcement agent.
Even the drunk guy.
It's not an episode of The Shield, it's the factual analysis in USA v. Ascension Alverez-Tejeda, in the 9th circuit decision filed today. The entire purpose of that exercise was to get the car and take the drugs in it without the driver (Alverez-Tejeda) or his boss finding out. And while it seems crazy at first glance, nothing the cops did violated the driver's 4th amendment rights.
I really suggest reading the opinion if you're at all interested in physical property laws and the right against unreasonable searches and seizures. It's extremely straightforward and well-written, which is par for the course for Judge Kozinksi. In fact, it's even got a little about asset forfeiture law, for you nerds in the audience.
Be warned that 4th amendment law as it relates to computer information is a totally different beast, slavering and snarling and utterly intimidating (boss-like?). IT law is pretty fractured because it's so new, and a lot of judges can't even use their email properly. Note: if this is the case, I know a company, might be able to help.
The stoplight you're at turns green, so you start accelerating, but suddenly screech to a halt; the car in front of you stalled. Good instincts! Except that the drunk idiot behind you in the pickup tapped your rear bumper. Now, let's imagine your boss is very scary. I recognize this isn't always the case, but bear with me; they can fire you, after all. So you get out to inspect the damage.
What luck! Some cops are driving by right after this happens. They direct you to a nearby parking lot to check out the bumper, while they arrest the drunk idiot. Then, in the parking lot, they get your statement by the car with the flashing lights. Woah! Some totally different guy comes out of nowhere and steals your car! The cops give chase, but lose him. They apologize, say they'll keep an eye out, and drive you and the girlfriend to a hotel.
Sigh… That is pretty crazy. Of course, a good story needs a twist, so here it is — every person mentioned, except your girlfriend and you, was a federal law enforcement agent.
Even the drunk guy.
It's not an episode of The Shield, it's the factual analysis in USA v. Ascension Alverez-Tejeda, in the 9th circuit decision filed today. The entire purpose of that exercise was to get the car and take the drugs in it without the driver (Alverez-Tejeda) or his boss finding out. And while it seems crazy at first glance, nothing the cops did violated the driver's 4th amendment rights.
I really suggest reading the opinion if you're at all interested in physical property laws and the right against unreasonable searches and seizures. It's extremely straightforward and well-written, which is par for the course for Judge Kozinksi. In fact, it's even got a little about asset forfeiture law, for you nerds in the audience.
Be warned that 4th amendment law as it relates to computer information is a totally different beast, slavering and snarling and utterly intimidating (boss-like?). IT law is pretty fractured because it's so new, and a lot of judges can't even use their email properly. Note: if this is the case, I know a company, might be able to help.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Stop Ordinance XXXX!
I arrived at work this morning to an email, sent to all staff, entreating us to STOP ORDINANCE XXXX, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY*. As you can tell, this sounds pretty dire. From the email:
Ouch. Now, I don't own anything aside from a slightly used dog and an HDTV that makes an annoying noise at random times, so the property tax thing doesn't bother me. But, I might lose my job because of this ordinance? That's not good, this ordinance must be crazy bad, thought up by those evil town council members who only want to line their own pockets. So, like anyone with an internet connection and an empty office, I looked it up.
That's odd. We already have a Home Depot and Wal-Mart. Maybe this is a preventative measure? Those frisky superstores, take your eyes off of 'em and they start multiplying like rabbits.
Seriously, from all appearances this ordinance requires huge chains (like the aforementioned) to jump through an extra hoop if they want to build a store. Before they just had to own the property in a commercially-zoned area. The intended purpose is to control sprawl and reduce 'unfair' competition with smaller, local businesses. It's not that no more huge superstores can't be built here, they just need a special permit. Or be under 80,000 square feet.
The catalyst for this ordinance is a proposed superstore, built only a few miles from the original. And, like all local politics, tempers get flared and possible externalities get exaggerated out of proportion. There are good arguments for a town being able to control how it grows (possibly through the use of special permits), and also for letting the free market sort this stuff out. Just keep it in perspective — nobody's gonna die because this ordinance got passed.
I'm not going to speak on whether this ordinance would be effective or even if it's a good idea. It may not be, but I suspect that in the long run, the effects will not be as grievous as the email suggests.
* paraphrased somewhat.
"[XXXX] will hurt our economy, cost our town much needed jobs and could increase property taxes for our residents."
Ouch. Now, I don't own anything aside from a slightly used dog and an HDTV that makes an annoying noise at random times, so the property tax thing doesn't bother me. But, I might lose my job because of this ordinance? That's not good, this ordinance must be crazy bad, thought up by those evil town council members who only want to line their own pockets. So, like anyone with an internet connection and an empty office, I looked it up.
"Ordinance [XXXX], as proposed by town council member [some guy], would require a special use permit for the retail buildings at 80,000 square feet in an effort to control development of so-called big-box stores such as Wal-Mart and Home Depot."
That's odd. We already have a Home Depot and Wal-Mart. Maybe this is a preventative measure? Those frisky superstores, take your eyes off of 'em and they start multiplying like rabbits.
Seriously, from all appearances this ordinance requires huge chains (like the aforementioned) to jump through an extra hoop if they want to build a store. Before they just had to own the property in a commercially-zoned area. The intended purpose is to control sprawl and reduce 'unfair' competition with smaller, local businesses. It's not that no more huge superstores can't be built here, they just need a special permit. Or be under 80,000 square feet.
The catalyst for this ordinance is a proposed superstore, built only a few miles from the original. And, like all local politics, tempers get flared and possible externalities get exaggerated out of proportion. There are good arguments for a town being able to control how it grows (possibly through the use of special permits), and also for letting the free market sort this stuff out. Just keep it in perspective — nobody's gonna die because this ordinance got passed.
I'm not going to speak on whether this ordinance would be effective or even if it's a good idea. It may not be, but I suspect that in the long run, the effects will not be as grievous as the email suggests.
* paraphrased somewhat.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Creeeak
Today I went to my professional backcracker, which was nice. There is something oddly enticing about getting into strange positions and then having an unfamiliar woman jump up and down on you. They call it ‘getting an adjustment’, which is awesomely euphemistic.
I asked a doctor friend of mine what the AMA thought of chiropractors, which turned out to be what I expected: frauds, quacks, and all around Bad People*. Thing is, my back usually feels a bit better afterwards.
I wanted to briefly mention the experience because there are two really impressive things about this place: they have amazing customer service, and they literally print money**.
I walk in, the receptionist turns around, and without missing a beat greets me by name. There was no pause for recognition, no delay of any type. It’s like she subconsciously knew my name, the way you might greet old friends. I have no clue what her name is.
Then, while I was there, someone called in who wasn’t paying all their bills. Instead of the traditional thumb-breaking threats, she told them it was fine, and as long as they were paying some every month, everyone was happy. No interest.
While that’s really reassuring from a customer service perspective, I doubt they even need the money. My father is a top-rate shrink, and even he doesn’t charge over $2 per minute. On top of that, there must have been at least six different patients to come through during my short visit. Hey, congrats, I wish I was running a company with that business model.
Eh, whatever. I think I'm going to hit them up for a few more 'adjustments'.
* this is, of course, not the official position.
** seriously, there's a printer in the back, it seems a little shady.
I asked a doctor friend of mine what the AMA thought of chiropractors, which turned out to be what I expected: frauds, quacks, and all around Bad People*. Thing is, my back usually feels a bit better afterwards.
I wanted to briefly mention the experience because there are two really impressive things about this place: they have amazing customer service, and they literally print money**.
I walk in, the receptionist turns around, and without missing a beat greets me by name. There was no pause for recognition, no delay of any type. It’s like she subconsciously knew my name, the way you might greet old friends. I have no clue what her name is.
Then, while I was there, someone called in who wasn’t paying all their bills. Instead of the traditional thumb-breaking threats, she told them it was fine, and as long as they were paying some every month, everyone was happy. No interest.
While that’s really reassuring from a customer service perspective, I doubt they even need the money. My father is a top-rate shrink, and even he doesn’t charge over $2 per minute. On top of that, there must have been at least six different patients to come through during my short visit. Hey, congrats, I wish I was running a company with that business model.
Eh, whatever. I think I'm going to hit them up for a few more 'adjustments'.
* this is, of course, not the official position.
** seriously, there's a printer in the back, it seems a little shady.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Error 80020101
This is why I love Microsoft, and hope to bear their babies some day.
For a while, I was getting error 80020101 in Internet Explorer 7, but Firefox was fine (of course). Firefox is usually much looser with syntactical mistakes, but is easier to develop in because when a real error occurs, it tells you what went wrong. Internet Explorer, not so much.
Error 80020101 is Microsoft's overly verbose way of telling you that there was some error in script that you ran through the Microsoft's JVM (whether via window.eval() or window.execScript(), it's the same for executing script). It won't tell you any more than that — execution quit because of something. Perhaps it was ornery. There's just no way to know.
As it turns out, I had used a reserved word for a variable name. Oh, and left in an extra comma.
Sigh.
For a while, I was getting error 80020101 in Internet Explorer 7, but Firefox was fine (of course). Firefox is usually much looser with syntactical mistakes, but is easier to develop in because when a real error occurs, it tells you what went wrong. Internet Explorer, not so much.
Error 80020101 is Microsoft's overly verbose way of telling you that there was some error in script that you ran through the Microsoft's JVM (whether via window.eval() or window.execScript(), it's the same for executing script). It won't tell you any more than that — execution quit because of something. Perhaps it was ornery. There's just no way to know.
As it turns out, I had used a reserved word for a variable name. Oh, and left in an extra comma.
Sigh.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Click Clack
I heard a radio interview with Lawrence Timmons, and he sounds just as inarticulate as Santonio Holmes did last year. He needs to go out, get drunk, and yell at some cops for the exact same effect, but you see where I'm going.
The Cleveland Browns obviously won this draft, getting both the best quarterback* and offensive tackle available this year. That's all right; where they are, they'll need a lot more than two good players to win the division.
Props to a lot of the commentators and first-round players in the green room, most of the ones I saw had a VT lapel pin on their suits. Very classy.
* you heard me.
The Cleveland Browns obviously won this draft, getting both the best quarterback* and offensive tackle available this year. That's all right; where they are, they'll need a lot more than two good players to win the division.
Props to a lot of the commentators and first-round players in the green room, most of the ones I saw had a VT lapel pin on their suits. Very classy.
* you heard me.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Christmas in April
Yes. I know what you’re thinking – thank God, I’ve been waiting, why the hell is there a full year between NFL Drafts? I don’t have a good answer, except that the commissioner is masochistic.
So, now I have about five days of random mock draft prognostications under my belt, thanks to Sirius satellite radio. You should know what this means… yes, I am ready to tell you what the Steelers* ought to do, and why they might, but probably won’t.
Outside Linebacker – Yeah, we need a guy, but this is a good draft for that sort of thing. Lots of prognosticators have suggested that we’ll pick up Lawrence Timmons at #15, and that won’t be horrible. I hear he’s potty-trained. Thing is, he will not start this season. This will be James Harrison’s first year starting, but he’s already got a reputation as a beast. They call him “Silverback” for a reason.
Defensive End – We’re already spending a bit too much money at this position. Aaron Smith got a shiny new contract, and while he’s worth every penny, it’s not obvious that another defensive end will be an upgrade unless it’s Adam Carriker. Problem is that we’re not gonna get that kid unless we manage to spike the drinks of both the 49ers and the Rams. I hear that melon liqueur is popular in San Francisco.
Cornerback – Yes, please. We need, and this is an awesome draft for cornerbacks. We might end up drafting two. Now, Darrelle Revis or Leon Hall would be great picks, but with the depth, do you get them now or go with a more immediate need? That was a stupid question. You get Revis, and (included absolutely free) you get a good punt returner, one that doesn’t shoot people or twist his ankle every other practice.
I’m not going to go over all the other positions. Seriously, don’t tempt me, I could go on for hours about how a good defensive tackle that plays end would work as we transition to a 4-3 defense, why Verron and Najeh aren’t as fat as I’d like, and what made Holmes a mistake last season. Hey, guess what? It’s not important, because I’m not drafting. And besides, I’ve just been lying to you for the entire post.
The Steelers should, without a doubt, trade down a few picks to get another second- or third-rounder, and use their 1st round choice on Anthony Spencer. I’m not just saying this because Spencer is from Purdue.
Dammit. I did it again.
* your favorite team sucks.
So, now I have about five days of random mock draft prognostications under my belt, thanks to Sirius satellite radio. You should know what this means… yes, I am ready to tell you what the Steelers* ought to do, and why they might, but probably won’t.
Outside Linebacker – Yeah, we need a guy, but this is a good draft for that sort of thing. Lots of prognosticators have suggested that we’ll pick up Lawrence Timmons at #15, and that won’t be horrible. I hear he’s potty-trained. Thing is, he will not start this season. This will be James Harrison’s first year starting, but he’s already got a reputation as a beast. They call him “Silverback” for a reason.
Defensive End – We’re already spending a bit too much money at this position. Aaron Smith got a shiny new contract, and while he’s worth every penny, it’s not obvious that another defensive end will be an upgrade unless it’s Adam Carriker. Problem is that we’re not gonna get that kid unless we manage to spike the drinks of both the 49ers and the Rams. I hear that melon liqueur is popular in San Francisco.
Cornerback – Yes, please. We need, and this is an awesome draft for cornerbacks. We might end up drafting two. Now, Darrelle Revis or Leon Hall would be great picks, but with the depth, do you get them now or go with a more immediate need? That was a stupid question. You get Revis, and (included absolutely free) you get a good punt returner, one that doesn’t shoot people or twist his ankle every other practice.
I’m not going to go over all the other positions. Seriously, don’t tempt me, I could go on for hours about how a good defensive tackle that plays end would work as we transition to a 4-3 defense, why Verron and Najeh aren’t as fat as I’d like, and what made Holmes a mistake last season. Hey, guess what? It’s not important, because I’m not drafting. And besides, I’ve just been lying to you for the entire post.
The Steelers should, without a doubt, trade down a few picks to get another second- or third-rounder, and use their 1st round choice on Anthony Spencer. I’m not just saying this because Spencer is from Purdue.
Dammit. I did it again.
* your favorite team sucks.
We need the "i" to start the dollar sign...
…was one of the things I thought while relaxing in a little plastic coffin last week.
I thought many other things too, I’m sure, but seeing as I was mostly asleep I don’t exactly recall. Those MRI machines are amazingly comfortable, which is weird, because you’re basically in the middle of one –ing huge magnet. It isn’t actually scary, especially since there’s some faux fresh air flowing over your face, and the cooler sounds exactly like birds chirping. When you close your eyes, it’s an idyllic outdoor scene. This is good, it distracts the patient from the knowledge that if they’d had that extra pizza slice at lunch, they probably wouldn’t fit.
For safety reasons, you have to remove metal things, like earrings and lip rings and nose rings and cock rings and necklaces and bracelets and the like. I’m very glad she noticed my chain, I usually forget about it. That might have been the difference between writing this post and a VERY BIG LAWSUIT over my decapitated corpse. And before you all chime in, yes, I know they have limited liability when the patient knowingly wears metallic objects into a –ing huge magnet.
Oddly enough, I also thought the name “Dewcup”. I don’t even know any strippers named “Dewcup”. Strippers always have awesome bunny names like that, something cute and cuddly so you can feel all warm inside as they proceed to convince you that you are the only person they care about, and it has nothing to do with money, my God no, how can you even suggest that, you just have the most lovely eyes, etc. Oh, and how do you like my breasts? They didn’t cost much, I know this guy, it was cheap, and they shouldn’t leak for at least five years.
Strippers are crazy. I should know.
I thought many other things too, I’m sure, but seeing as I was mostly asleep I don’t exactly recall. Those MRI machines are amazingly comfortable, which is weird, because you’re basically in the middle of one –ing huge magnet. It isn’t actually scary, especially since there’s some faux fresh air flowing over your face, and the cooler sounds exactly like birds chirping. When you close your eyes, it’s an idyllic outdoor scene. This is good, it distracts the patient from the knowledge that if they’d had that extra pizza slice at lunch, they probably wouldn’t fit.
For safety reasons, you have to remove metal things, like earrings and lip rings and nose rings and cock rings and necklaces and bracelets and the like. I’m very glad she noticed my chain, I usually forget about it. That might have been the difference between writing this post and a VERY BIG LAWSUIT over my decapitated corpse. And before you all chime in, yes, I know they have limited liability when the patient knowingly wears metallic objects into a –ing huge magnet.
Oddly enough, I also thought the name “Dewcup”. I don’t even know any strippers named “Dewcup”. Strippers always have awesome bunny names like that, something cute and cuddly so you can feel all warm inside as they proceed to convince you that you are the only person they care about, and it has nothing to do with money, my God no, how can you even suggest that, you just have the most lovely eyes, etc. Oh, and how do you like my breasts? They didn’t cost much, I know this guy, it was cheap, and they shouldn’t leak for at least five years.
Strippers are crazy. I should know.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Hokie Hope
I had many interesting and elucidating posts ready for public perusal, but they all had to take second chair this week.
This may be a bit late, but it's the game. Today, you wear maroon and orange. That's it. Plain and simple. Acknowledge others that do it.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Something Happened.
I was going to write a moderately humerous and interesting post entitled "Alberto Gonzales: A Primer," but then something terrible happened near where I work.
Perhaps you heard about it?
My thoughts and prayers go out to the survivors, and sympathies to the family and friends of the victims.
Perhaps you heard about it?
My thoughts and prayers go out to the survivors, and sympathies to the family and friends of the victims.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Garrotted
I have a red mark on my throat which looks like I was just taken hostage at knife point (blade?). This is not true, because if that had happened, I would have broken their arm and taken a finger as a trophy. Or possibly fainted. The magic 8-ball is not very good with hypotheticals like this.
I wear a cross on a chain*, a Celtic high cross, to be exact, but I'm not particularly religious. The cross used to have some symbolism, years ago (like my tattoo), but now I keep it just because I like it. Hell, it probably got caught in the drainage grate when I finally passed out last night; that's the only rational explanation. I honestly have no clue.
Perhaps the CSI guys in Vegas could give a more definitive answer. They seem to have a pretty good track record.
* manly word for necklace.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Fortune Favors the Bold
I got (American) Chinese food yesterday; it’s cheap, quick, and my body mostly ignores it because it’s way too fried to actually digest. Also, the hot sauce I add makes me high. Note to self: investigate this.
The meal came with a fortune cookie, naturally, but it’s a little vague on some of the details. I have friends who like to append a little ‘in bed’ to the end of every fortune derived from a cookie, and then snicker, but I do not do this because I am not a child. This is a key point, I will return to it later.
(excuse me a second, our company mom got us some Sour Patch Twists, and they are a bitch to open. Some jerk put the scissors all the way across the room, so there goes that plan.)
Alright, back to the point. This is the text of the fortune cookie, verbatim:
“☺There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.☺”
I like the inclusion of the smiley faces, they do a good job of prompting me to feel happy. It’s not written in active voice, but I can get over it, the English is rather clear and straightforward. The problem is one of vagueness – to wit, who, goddamn it, who? I like to know my true and sincere friends, because they might be hot.
I’m very serious about this. It’s not appropriate to let someone know that they have friends, especially close friends, without some sort of indicators. I don’t need a lot, I’m reasonably astute, but perhaps a hint would be in order. Do you agree? Something small, like eye color or height or cup size. Anything.
On a less serious note, I have severe back pain. But a week ago, before I started the blog, my back was fine. There’s really only one obvious answer as to why this happened: karma.
The meal came with a fortune cookie, naturally, but it’s a little vague on some of the details. I have friends who like to append a little ‘in bed’ to the end of every fortune derived from a cookie, and then snicker, but I do not do this because I am not a child. This is a key point, I will return to it later.
(excuse me a second, our company mom got us some Sour Patch Twists, and they are a bitch to open. Some jerk put the scissors all the way across the room, so there goes that plan.)
Alright, back to the point. This is the text of the fortune cookie, verbatim:
“☺There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.☺”
I like the inclusion of the smiley faces, they do a good job of prompting me to feel happy. It’s not written in active voice, but I can get over it, the English is rather clear and straightforward. The problem is one of vagueness – to wit, who, goddamn it, who? I like to know my true and sincere friends, because they might be hot.
I’m very serious about this. It’s not appropriate to let someone know that they have friends, especially close friends, without some sort of indicators. I don’t need a lot, I’m reasonably astute, but perhaps a hint would be in order. Do you agree? Something small, like eye color or height or cup size. Anything.
On a less serious note, I have severe back pain. But a week ago, before I started the blog, my back was fine. There’s really only one obvious answer as to why this happened: karma.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Night at the Gym
I’m pulling into the parking lot, and based on how I started this story, I can already tell it’s going to be unnecessarily vapid. That’s okay; it’s about the most interesting-looking girl at the gym, and those that know me also know that “interesting” can often be replaced with “hot”*.
That analogy, of course, will really suck if she ever reads this blog.
Point being that I’m pulling in next to this horribly parked SUV, but once I’m stopped I get out quickly because, you know, I saw her. And it’s fun to walk directly by without acknowledging each others’ presence.
She gets to the door of the aforementioned SUV and says something witty, like “sorry I parked like an ass,” and I responded with something witty, like “ich muss duschen,” which was only a partial lie because I didn’t give a time frame. Then I walk in, thinking why didn’t I say something in English?
* my first draft originally had the word “fuckable”, but I decided it’s good practice to censor myself
That analogy, of course, will really suck if she ever reads this blog.
Point being that I’m pulling in next to this horribly parked SUV, but once I’m stopped I get out quickly because, you know, I saw her. And it’s fun to walk directly by without acknowledging each others’ presence.
She gets to the door of the aforementioned SUV and says something witty, like “sorry I parked like an ass,” and I responded with something witty, like “ich muss duschen,” which was only a partial lie because I didn’t give a time frame. Then I walk in, thinking why didn’t I say something in English?
* my first draft originally had the word “fuckable”, but I decided it’s good practice to censor myself
Saturday, April 7, 2007
You Can Never Understand Me
I just got back from the bars, where I was drinking and talking to coworkers for, oh, seven-ish hours. I'm hungry, so I hit the kitchen for some chow, and here is exactly what went through my mind:
A pizza would be excellent at this juncture.
A pizza would be excellent at this juncture.
Friday, April 6, 2007
No, Really, It's A Book Review
To celebrate my first blog post in four years, I thought I’d do something really wild and crazy, like shots and strippers. Then I realized that future employers could read this, and decided to write a book review on ‘The Pragmatic Programmer.’
Really, though, I feel kind of bad that I’ve been “borrowing” this book from my boss for about a month now. In an effort to actually, you know, peruse its contents, I started to bring it to the gym, and now the pages get all crinkly after they dry. I really don’t think he’ll mind, I mean, it’s been through worse. I’m pretty sure I had sex on top of it.
The book is excellent, inasmuch as it is a programming design book. It won’t teach you code, or basic programming structures, you have to know those things already. If you haven’t worked with spaghetti code yet, stared at an incomprehensible mass of letters and numbers until your eyes go all leaky and you wish someone would hold you, anyone, even that dishwasher from Eat ‘N Park – well, you’re not ready for this book. Still, it is easy reading, and very comprehensive, covering many of the things that my own team does, as well as things that we don’t have a use for, but another programming team might.
You should treat exceptions as exceptional (yeah, you’d think, right?), because they can temporarily couple unrelated functions together, which makes for icky debugging. In fact, try to prevent separate modules from interacting in any way, unless absolutely necessary. We try to stick to that, but about a year ago someone had diarrhea all over our Dispatcher module, and now there’s some unavoidable cross-referencing. We keep it to a minimum – while this book wouldn’t be our Bible (and the authors specifically state that not everything they write is always applicable), it’s a series of great guideposts. That’s a top selling point for the book; the authors always acknowledge that their advice is good in practice, but not necessarily as a released product. If it turns out that you can halve the server hits by tightly coupling two mostly unrelated processes together, then good Lord, man, do it!
I really liked their approach to orthogonality – that changes to the meat of one function shouldn’t affect other functions at all, or at least as little as possible. Yes, the idea really is basic, and it’s the foundation for their discussion of object encapsulation and contract-based functions, but it resonated in a way that many other books can’t hope of achieving. Later, they made some correlation between coding and flying a helicopter, which immediately made me think, do I really want a motorcycle? I mean… helicopter. Then I remembered that a) helicopters cost lots and lots of money, and b) after roofing for a summer, I hate heights. A season of working forty feet off the ground, inches from finding out if humans are like cats (do we land on our feet? does it matter?), well, it gives you a certain appreciation for life.
They also related coding to getting blown up by a land mine in a war zone. I’m sure our troops would love that.
Really, though, I feel kind of bad that I’ve been “borrowing” this book from my boss for about a month now. In an effort to actually, you know, peruse its contents, I started to bring it to the gym, and now the pages get all crinkly after they dry. I really don’t think he’ll mind, I mean, it’s been through worse. I’m pretty sure I had sex on top of it.
The book is excellent, inasmuch as it is a programming design book. It won’t teach you code, or basic programming structures, you have to know those things already. If you haven’t worked with spaghetti code yet, stared at an incomprehensible mass of letters and numbers until your eyes go all leaky and you wish someone would hold you, anyone, even that dishwasher from Eat ‘N Park – well, you’re not ready for this book. Still, it is easy reading, and very comprehensive, covering many of the things that my own team does, as well as things that we don’t have a use for, but another programming team might.
You should treat exceptions as exceptional (yeah, you’d think, right?), because they can temporarily couple unrelated functions together, which makes for icky debugging. In fact, try to prevent separate modules from interacting in any way, unless absolutely necessary. We try to stick to that, but about a year ago someone had diarrhea all over our Dispatcher module, and now there’s some unavoidable cross-referencing. We keep it to a minimum – while this book wouldn’t be our Bible (and the authors specifically state that not everything they write is always applicable), it’s a series of great guideposts. That’s a top selling point for the book; the authors always acknowledge that their advice is good in practice, but not necessarily as a released product. If it turns out that you can halve the server hits by tightly coupling two mostly unrelated processes together, then good Lord, man, do it!
I really liked their approach to orthogonality – that changes to the meat of one function shouldn’t affect other functions at all, or at least as little as possible. Yes, the idea really is basic, and it’s the foundation for their discussion of object encapsulation and contract-based functions, but it resonated in a way that many other books can’t hope of achieving. Later, they made some correlation between coding and flying a helicopter, which immediately made me think, do I really want a motorcycle? I mean… helicopter. Then I remembered that a) helicopters cost lots and lots of money, and b) after roofing for a summer, I hate heights. A season of working forty feet off the ground, inches from finding out if humans are like cats (do we land on our feet? does it matter?), well, it gives you a certain appreciation for life.
They also related coding to getting blown up by a land mine in a war zone. I’m sure our troops would love that.
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